just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
