On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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