Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
