alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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