I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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