Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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