i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
