Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
