i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
