I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
