tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
