She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
cat food counts as protein by the way
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
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