I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
