We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
