On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
