I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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