Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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