News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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