Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
