I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
