you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
