if only i could text you this smell
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I need to calm my uterus...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
