The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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