The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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