I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
