Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
