On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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