Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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