rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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