I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
