the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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