Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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