And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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