1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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