he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
