i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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