At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
