planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
