I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
