I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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