Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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