I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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