I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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