I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
