Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
