The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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