Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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