I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
