apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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