I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just had sex bonerless
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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