I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize