This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
