My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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