come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
