I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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