i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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