I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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