I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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